New perspectives on substance abuse and mental health

Jacki returns to talk about growing up around substance and how that shaped her views on mental health. We talk about quitting a long time vice like smoking marijuana in order to gain better control of our lives, and how new perspectives are always possible with the right inspiration.

Transcript

Jon: 0:06

Welcome back to Feel Free, the only podcast that'll tell you to chase your dreams and call you out on all your bullshit, myself included. If you haven't already, give me a subscribe, like, and follow share on all those listening and social media platforms. Appreciate all the support. Got a special guest. I say a special guest, but it's, it's pretty much all my friends who come on here. Um, So I got Jackie back on here. I believe Jackie was on episode 16. It's called Gluten-Free. Jackie, you should definitely check that episode out. Or she talks about her gluten intolerance and her, uh, nutrition journey, everything. She's back on. This week we're gonna be talking about marijuana and Chris, her fiance, was on the previous episode, so I can't, I had him come out here and talk about him quitting weed and his nutritional dreams and stuff like that. So now I feel like we need another perspective on that matter.

Jacki: 0:57

Yeah. So it'll definitely be a different perspective.

Jon: 0:59

you feel up for the

Jacki: 1:00

challenge? Yeah, let's, let's do it. You just love poking out all my vulnerabilities, I mean,

Jon: 1:06

I'm calling people out on their bullshit I was gonna call myself out on the bullshit. Before we get started, I was gonna say, I haven't put out an episode in a while. To everybody who knows me. I, I'm a full-time bookkeeper and it's tax season, so I apologize to all my fans. I haven't gotten around to it. Also just been really busy. So I'm calling myself out on that bullshit that I need to be more consistent with coming out with episodes, right? So with me calling myself out on the bullshit, I'm now gonna call you out on your bullshit and then hopefully call myself out on some more bullshit. So why did you quit smoking weed? So,

Jacki: 1:40

I mean, okay, so I guess when I started smoking, we. I was probably like, you know, 15, 16, no, probably like 16 years old. And really I started, so, you know, I had a rough childhood as I'm sure many people do. Lots of, uh, issues at home or at school. Just, you know, social issues and yeah, issues at home. So I, it's funny because, you know, I would be at like a party with my friends and they'd all be like drinking. getting all fucked up. And then I would just be literally playing solitaire on a computer. That's crazy. And I literally, the whole party would be going on and I'd just be playing solitaire on the computer. And then, was this before you were smoking though? This was before I was smoking and everything. Yeah. I was like totally straight edge. I just was honestly just like a super. Pissed off kid, probably more than anything. Really Angry kid. and I would just play solitaire the whole time. It got to the point where I did that at because, so, okay, so my friends like had a trap house where like, They also had like kind of a rough childhood and their house was basically like a trap house. So they had parties just like every day Didn't matter. It got to the point where I was just basically going there playing solitaire all day to where they literally disabled it off the computer so I couldn't do it anymore.

Jon: 2:57

Damn. Had made you actually like go and chill with them. Yeah. Made,

Jacki: 3:00

hang out with them, but all they did all the time is get fucked up anyways and I just didn't wanna be at home, but, right. Um, but yeah, so. I started actually with smoking cigarettes. Uh, I had a lot of older friends like growing up, so it was really easy for me to get everything all the time. So I started by smoking cigarettes, which I got pretty attached to quickly. It would started with like me and you know, my best friend Doug, and we'd like share a pack and then more and more it just got to the point where we'd have our own and then now we're just smoking all the time and. Um, but I still, I wasn't doing any, I really wasn't drinking or smoking or doing anything like that. I didn't really like alcohol. One day someone I used to hang out with, me and her had like made a bet where like, you know, I don't, you know, everyone around us was always on something of some kind. No matter what it was. And we had made this bet like, I don't understand how people just smoke weed all day and function and do whatever. So we made a bet that we were gonna smoke weed every day for a week and see how we feel. And we never stopped that we, and that weed was funny too, cuz once everyone found out we were smoking it was. It was like crazy. So everyone, you know, they're rolling so many blinds. I mean, we smoked so much weed and that week it wasn't even funny. Right? Uh, and then once we kept doing it, everyone's like, all right, you know, We're not gonna give you all our weed anymore.

Jon: 4:29

Yeah. This isn't, this isn't your like intro, introduction to the group of smoking weed anymore. Exactly. You gotta buy your

Jacki: 4:35

own now. Exactly. Especially cuz like after that week we did not stop. We were smoking every day, all day. And uh, I was smoking for a long, long time and I loved it. Like Chris, he was always trying to stop or take break. Not me. I literally did not take a break unless I had to. I think maybe the longest I've ever gone was like 10. because I maybe did it like twice for a vacation. That was before I got Ballsed would bring it with me. Oh shit. So I would do it. So like twice on a vacation. For a vacation I had to like stop for a week. And then one time when I got sick. So basically like I really, I don't know, I, for a long time I was using weed as like my scapegoat out of things like, I don't know. Once I started smoking, I loved it cause it made me feel a little less. Right. I felt, I felt like I could cope with the world around me. Mm-hmm. you know, for the longest time I was so pissed off because I just felt like I didn't have a say in the life I was surrounded in. I just kind of had to deal with it. Right. And then when I was smoking, I just kind of felt like, all right, well, I can handle it now. I guess it made it a little lighter, I guess. Easier to work through.

Jon: 5:44

You made the decision to get high. Like you kind of felt out, like the things that were happening to you were outta your control. Yeah. Right. Which is why you were angry. Yeah. You know, which was happening to me when I was like 19 or 20 when I was going through that. Mm-hmm. you know, so when you were able to make the decision to get high, you're like, oh, I can do this. So I'm in control of this feeling almost. Right. That and

Jacki: 6:07

you know, it would make me laugh, right? Yeah. And it would make me. It would make me self-reflect on maybe some of the things that I was also doing wrong, but it would make me really, it would make me laugh and in a good mood, happy. Yeah, of course. It didn't make me feel all the anger all the time. I mean, I was swarmed in it 24 7. I was mad. I was not enjoyable to be around I was very, very angry. So it made it a little bit just, it just made me laugh and have a good time and just not constantly think about all the problems and stuff that I didn't like around me.

Jon: 6:40

Right, but was this at the start?

Jacki: 6:42

This was like at the very beginning. So that's kind of like when I. Got into it. Mm-hmm. and I was smoking it every day and then like literally all through high school, I wouldn't even go to class. So like before school I probably shouldn't have even like graduated before school. I was like late every day or I was missing periods because I'd have to smoke bef like a blunt before I went, and then I'd have to leave school in the middle of the day to go smoke and come back. I was just steady, always smoking. That was before you could just vape. Bathroom. I heard that's the new thing now. with the dab pens. Yeah. Not now. I heard that's the new thing. But at the time where I was smoking, you know, vape pens weren't even a thing, so I was just steady on blunts in my car, in the parking lot, in between. I was missing so many classes just cuz it, I just wanted to be stoned all day Right. Then, um, you know, even in college, like my first couple of years, I started, I was like really heavy into smoking still. And then it wasn't until like right before I met Chris and all of you that I was like, I had decided I was gonna change my life. I was gonna make it the way that I wanted it to be, and I was gonna take all the control back. Cuz at that point, once you reach a certain age, if you're still in it, that's your own fault, you know? So that

Jon: 7:58

was kind of when you decided to give up cigarettes? That was Exactly, that was, that was the first thing you did. That

Jacki: 8:03

was exactly when I decided to give up cigarettes cuz I was just, I was sick of feeling like I had to cope with the life around me. Mm-hmm. I was, I wanted to free myself, so I decided I was gonna quit smoking cigarettes and I was starting to cut back on the weed and. During that time too, you know, I was dabbling with other fun things, right. That I won't get to wear into right now. But, um, I decided I was, you know, I was gonna stop being a degenerate for the most part, And, you know, this whole time too, the whole time throughout high school and even, I mean, I was getting straight A's. I was in all honors classes, which is another reason it made it so easy for me to keep smoking it. Even when I was skipping classes and doing all that, I still had straight A's. I was still graduating in all honors, so I was too high functioning of a smoker, right. I was in all sports. I was working out all the time. I was always in conditioning. I used to do conditioning and sports during the off season for sports. I wasn't even playing just because it was my off season of the one I was playing. So I just wanted a condition with the, like I was conditioning with all the soccer people. I never played soccer day in my life, right? But I went to the soccer conditioning at the high school the entire time during my volleyball off season, just cuz I wanna keep working out. And it was a free workout. Get in shape, you know? Yeah. So I was very, very high functioning. So it didn't like affect my ability to learn or get good grades or any of that. And I probably got away with way too much. But college was different though. College was a little different. I started, you know, not doing, you know, now I'm in like all these calculus classes and all these like higher classes and. It was not as easy for me to keep up with the straight ass while getting stoned all day and

Jon: 9:48

still staying in physical shape. Oh yes. With all

Jacki: 9:51

the sports. Yeah. Oh yeah. Especially cuz like you're not really in sports anymore when you're in college. Yeah. Unless you go for sports, which I didn't. Right. And on top of it, like that's when I'm like really drinking and stuff now too. You know, being, it's going hard. Going hard on the fun Right, right. I know about it. Not as, not as hard on the things that were less fun, like studying and doing my homework.

Jon: 10:11

of course. That's the trade off we make though.

Jacki: 10:14

I was making it through. I was probably like, just an average student. At that point I was making a through, but yeah. Then I had met Chris and all of you, and then I had decided I was going to stop smoking cigarettes because I was losing my voice. I sounded terrible. I, I, I could feel the effect it was having on me. The rasp? Yes, it was. I sounded like a man. It was rough, so I decided to quit and then while I was trying to stop doing all the other substances and cut back on smoking, I was never gonna quit smoking weed. At that point, I was just really trying to like slow myself down and not do it so much. Yeah. At that point I didn't even think I was relying on it. I knew I relied on the cigarettes. I knew the cigarettes controlled my mood, like if I didn't have a cigarette. It's mad. Oh yeah. Like the, the hair on the back of my neck was standing up. Yeah. I, I didn't really weed, I just thought I did for fun, you know, it just makes me laugh. I have a good time. It was just like my fun thing. And so when I tried cutting back on everything, but when I stopped smoking cigarettes was, you know, when I got sick mm-hmm. um, it really like triggered all of that because of how much stress I was under at the time. And so when I got to the point, you know, I'm not gonna get into all that again, but when I got into the point where I wasn't able to like eat and I couldn't sleep, I was under so much stress I couldn't even handle it. And even my doctor kept telling me like, you are never gonna progress. Even if you're doing everything right because of how much stress you're under, it just keeps setting you back. Mm-hmm. it's just creating into toxic environment in my body all around. So I felt like I had to keep smoking weed. Yeah. Well you

Jon: 11:47

put all your your habits into that one.

Jacki: 11:50

Exactly. So like, I felt like I, I had to keep smoking weed. It was the only way I was gonna be able to sleep that night or eat some food or just like manage my day. I was working like two, three jobs of smoking blunts on my way to each one. Right. You ch you changed

Jon: 12:03

your, your diet and your nutrition around Yeah. Your whole life. You changed around, so you kind of put it all into

Jacki: 12:08

that. I did. I put it all into that. I mean, honestly, you got me through some of the darkest days I probably ever had. Right.

Jon: 12:15

So, but what made you. So, yes. Then what made you wanna quit though?

Jacki: 12:20

So after all that stuff, and then finally after I had gotten sick and I felt like I had to keep smoking forever or I had to keep smoking during all that. And then I got better and then I got healthy and all that. And then for, you know, years now, I've been at a good place. Mm-hmm. you know, I've made my life what I wanted to be and I stopped smoking cigarettes and I was all healthy again and all that. I still had this like strong attachment to it. I didn't wanna let it go. I just. it was the love of my life. I love smoking weed. great. And I was too, I was also convinced it got me through the worst health issues I ever had. It can't be that bad for me, you know what I mean? of course. But, uh, Chris had been wanting to stop for a while and he had kept asking me like, let's stop. Because obviously we've been together for so long and it's hard when your partner's doing the one thing you wanna do, but you're trying to stop doing. Like if Chris was smoking cigarettes while I was trying to quit, that would, oh God, no. Not be going.

Jon: 13:16

Well, you know? Right. I think it would've been different if you guys like had a house and you. Like smoke inside. Yeah. You know, cuz if it was separate from Oh yeah. If he could separate himself from it Right. It would've been easier. But you guys we're, we're young. We're in one bedroom. Apartments. Exactly. Like there's nowhere to go. Especially in the winter. Once cold as fuck. Mm-hmm. you want me to go stand out in 20 below?

Jacki: 13:37

Even like before the apartment, like, you know, all of our friends would go to his house and we'd all be hanging out there. We'd all be like smoking and everything. Smoking. Yep. Like, so, you know, it was hard for, he did a good job quite a few times. He'd stopped for a few months here and there. Mm-hmm. but he always went right back to it. It's just tough. Yeah. Whereas me, I'm like, I'm never stopping. I'll stop when I get pregnant. That's what I, I

Jon: 13:59

always said. That's what honestly, like I was gonna ask about. That was gonna be another question obviously. About like with pregnancy? Oh yeah. Like was that one of the reasons why you wanted to quit? Oh,

14:10

no.

Jacki: 14:10

They had nothing to do with this. Okay. That was just what I always said. Right. I had always said, I'll stop when I get pregnant. Okay. Which even then, it was only. It would've probably still wouldn't have been forever, but I just wasn't gonna do it while being pregnant. Of course. Or breastfeeding. Yeah. Or like any of that. So I'd always said that Chris, like really like Like, we're so young, you're gonna tell me that you're gonna wait that long. Cuz we never, we were not gonna be those people to have kids at a young age and stuff, you know? Of course. So then obviously now we've been in our apartment. We've been at our apartment for a long time, for a few years. And we had been, you know, and he'd still wanna stop here and there. He felt like he wasn't getting anything out of it, but I was so attached to it. I mean, I felt like we'd saved my life so many times.

Jon: 14:50

Yeah. I mean, it was. it, it was your rock at that point. It was your foundation.

Jacki: 14:54

It was. It was. So, I really didn't wanna stop, and I kept telling him, no, it's not gonna happen. Like, I'm sorry if you're gonna make the decision to quit, you just have to make the decision to quit. Like, I just can't do it. I just don't want to Yeah, if you don't

Jon: 15:08

want to do it, you're not gonna

Jacki: 15:09

do it. Exactly. And I'm like, I'm not gonna do it for you. I'm sorry. Like, I'll just resent you for that. So

Jon: 15:15

just

Jacki: 15:15

to be honest, like to be honest, for real, and I'd always tell'em too, like when I had to stop eating gluten, I never made you stop eating gluten. That's true. You took eat donuts in front of me all day. That's true. You know, I never made him hide to go with a donut. Like or, or sandwich or Right. Or anything that had gluten in it, you know, not just donuts, obviously. Of course. Like. Pastan shit. Just anything. Yeah. So I would always use that against him now the past couple years. So I've been around substance abuse my entire life. Like sure, when we were young it was all fun and games, but as you get older, it's really serious and I've had. Lost so many people in my life to heroine, dust more than anything. You know, uh, Xanax and drinking. Mm-hmm. just, I've been surrounded by a lot of alcoholics in my life. Like substance abuse has literally surrounded my entire life for so long. Even people who got too into psychedelics to where it like really messed them up. I mean, I've literally been surrounded by substance abuse my whole life and so it, it kind of made it, you know, easier for me to just like, Keep smoking and not care, but at the same time, you didn't

Jon: 16:20

put smoking weed on the same level of substance abuse. I didn't As what you, what you have been right around your whole life.

Jacki: 16:27

I thought I was doing something better still, you know? Of course. Um, but then now, you know, my dad has been a really bad alcoholic my whole life. Yeah. And he's also been a very high functioning alcoholic. So I al I obviously, his alcoholism has always been a very big problem, you know, which was really a lot of what stemmed for my childhood, but, and your anger? Oh, yeah. A whole lot of it, but most of it, yeah. Yeah. I'm not gonna discount that. But, uh, it, for me, my siblings, it was really hard, but. He was functioning. So it wasn't like we never saw him as tearing his life apart. He was owning his own business and he was always making money. And you know, he was al, he was still our dad. He was just an angry alcoholic. Now the past few years, it's really caught up with him. Of course, his health has. Just dramatically dropped and now he's at a point where it is, it is gonna kill him, and he's not stopping. He keeps saying he wants to, and I know he wants to, but as any, you know, you're addicted to anything. It's not that

Jon: 17:28

easy. You know, I wanted to quit for eight years. You know? Yeah. I wanted to quit for eight years and that want can sometimes last, last an entire lifetime. Mm-hmm. unless you actually

Jacki: 17:40

do it. Exactly. So, and we're all, you know, we're all facing our demons and you know, he got an alcoholic for some re you know, for many reasons from his childhood. Like, it's just like this never ending, it's perpetual cycle. You know what I mean? Yeah. But after seeing how many friends I've lost for. different substances that, or even just the ones that made it out alive, but you know, it messed them up really badly, like, you know, mentally or they had to like really, you know, go to therapies or, you know, drug abuse counseling or alcoholic counseling or just like whatever the case may be. And then now after seeing him, literally it's killing him and he's still doing it, even though he says he's gonna stop and he's not stopping. I think that's what it really hit. that put it in

Jon: 18:24

perspective. Like for you personally? Yeah. That

Jacki: 18:28

okay. That I'm like, I just need to stop smoking. I'm like, I never saw it as like I was like this big addict in any way. but it really put in perspective for me. Like for one, I'm telling him to stop from one addict to another. I'm still doing what I'm doing and he's just supposed to stop what he's doing for one and for two. I don't know, it just really put in perspective for me that I do lean on, even though I don't think we as bad. I lean on it. Just as much as he leans on the alcohol. And that is my vice and that is my escape and everything I put everything into to get through things. And if I can't get through things without it, then how am I any different from anybody else? That's, that's true. So I think that's where it really started to hit home that I'm like, I really need to do it and stop, because otherwise I'm basically the same person. Is everybody else. And

Jon: 19:20

you set out on this mission 10 years ago to change your life and control it. Exactly. You know, and this just happens to be one of those

Jacki: 19:26

hurdles. Exactly. You know, it's, it's like my, my final Hirah yeah. I feel that. But, uh, but yeah, so, and like, you know, I've been really working up to get a new job. Which is gonna be a big break for me when I do, it's significantly gonna be better than what you're doing now. What I'm doing now, I've been in all this training, I've been really working towards it, and I knew there was gonna be a drug test, which I have used fake urine my entire life. Yeah. Our whole group has, so I wanted to be, I just, I wanted to be able to know I, I could fuck my whole life up right now. Like, you know, you, you used fake urine in a past every time, but that one time I don't for a job this big. I could just fuck up everything. I've just spent the last year working towards my big break for what? To smoke some weed. You know, like is it really worth it? Exactly. You know? So like I really just, for one, I knew that I was gonna be fucking up everything I worked for, even though I know, I know I could get away with it, but I knew, I knew that I had built myself up so high, like why would I sell myself short like that? Of course. And not give myself a real chance. And I wanted my dad to see that. you know, you can stop or you can try and that, you know it's gonna, that you can do it basically. And so I had told them, I was like, I'm gonna stop telling you what you need to do and I'm just gonna show you. So for, for it took, I'm not even gonna lie, it took the entire past year really building myself up to it because in my head I was never gonna do this. And I didn't give a fuck And then, you know, after seeing him, cuz I last summer had saw him. Going through alcohol withdrawals because I don't even know what happened, but he like really like, wasn't feeling good and he was like mentally gone and he was, he doesn't drink water, take vitamins or anything, so he is so depleted on so many nutrients. He was like, really like psychoactively like gone kind of like very like incoherent. and then he was like feeling too sick that he like wasn't drinking. I noticed, I noticed a big problem when he asked for water. He said, I need water, which is like crazy. My dad refuses to drink water and I had to take him to the hospital because I knew something was wrong with him. I'm like, I've never seen him mentally like this before. He's always high functioning, you know, and. He didn't even know, like he didn't know where my grandpa's house was. Like he'd been going here your whole life, right? Like, what do you mean? Like, so I'd seen him going through the alcohol withdrawals. We were at the hospital and that was probably like one of the scariest things I ever seen. I'd been around so many, you know, I've seen people drop from drugs or whatever, but like now it's my dad who I thought. you know, even though he's been drinking my whole life, I've just never seen him break. You know, it was really just like, it just really put things in perspective for me. So I really spent the last, you know, and that was like last August, so I spent like a few months really working myself up towards it. Like Chris always asked me, so when are we gonna stop smoking? Like every few weeks. When are we gonna stop smoking? And I always tell him never when I get pregnant or whatever. And then I had finally said, I'm not ready yet, but I'm getting there. And he. Wait, seriously? And I'm like, yeah, I'm, I'm not ready yet, but I'm working. I'm working myself, myself. An he's an answer than you expected though. Yes. He just expected the same old, same old. I didn't tell him what was going through my head either, because I knew he was gonna hold me to it. I didn't wanna tell anyone. I'm like, if I make this decision, I need to do it cuz I'm for real. I'm not one of those people who are like, oh, I'm gonna do this and then I don't do it. Like if I say I'm doing something, I'm gonna do. Right. So if you don't take me seriously, you're, that's your own fault, right? Because I take myself very seriously, So I had, uh, I had told him like, you know, I didn't wanna tell anybody what I was planning to do because I knew then I had to do it. And I didn't know if I was ready for it. But I had been really working myself up towards it. And then it was like around the holidays, where I was really like, I think I'm gonna do this. That's when I finally told Chris was like, probably like, like November, December, because I knew at that point I wasn't gonna back down on it. And I knew that if I told him he wasn't gonna let me back down on it either. So I'm like, I just need, I just wanna get through like the holidays, just kind of like, not even for any specific reason. I just wanted to do it, like just finish my year the way I started it. Of course. And I was like getting really close to finishing like the exams for all the training I had been in. Just stressful. And I, it's not even like that, it was just so stressful. I just didn't want that to be the reason I lost focus. Right. So I waited till the new year and I waited till my exams were over and everything, and then I was like, okay. Like literally the very, very next day I took my exam and the very next day I was like, okay, this is the day I stop. So how

Jon: 24:02

many weeks you guys got

Jacki: 24:03

now? We are literally, let's see, we stopped, I think it was like January 18th. No shit. So this is by far double, if not triple, like the longest I've ever gone there. You go to date, so you're coming up on two months then, right? Almost, yeah. Holy crap. Yeah, literally almost two months now. which is And how long have you, so truly crazy for

Jon: 24:25

me. How long have you been, has habitually smoking? How many years now?

Jacki: 24:28

Literally, I, since I was 16. Okay. Every single day. All day. So is that like 15 Wake up, 15 years, fall asleep. Yeah. I'll be 31 next month. Right. Fuck So, um, so yeah, like 15 years, all day, every day. Fuck throughout like my whole puberty and

Jon: 24:49

everything. Pretty much.

Jacki: 24:50

Yeah. Yeah. Throughout everything. and I think it even took like me by surprise. Not that I actually did it, but because it, you know, it wasn't something I wanted to do this whole time and I just didn't feel like, like Chris really wanted to for so long and he was just kind of like hanging back, you know? Whereas me, when I made the decision, I made the decision. It was the same thing with cigarettes. Honestly, I think I decided to quit like that week. like you're like, I'm done. Like when I sit, like I'm not gonna say it unless I mean it, you know? So when I knew I was done, I was just, I was done. And I couldn't, when I did quit, I couldn't look at it like I'm done forever. with cigarettes. I knew I was done forever, but I think even the first, no, I'm gonna, that's not true cuz when I first quit cigarettes, I was still convinced if I stopped the habit I could smoke again. It wasn't until I really stopped the habit and I went through all those withdrawals and I got sick and all the nightmare that I knew I was never going back. Right. but with this I was like, not well. I was, you know, I'm convinced that like, you know, it's, it doesn't have like that like physical of an effect that sure, like I'll probably be able to smoke again or here and there, like how casually drinking or whatever. But that I couldn't like look that far into the future if I was really gonna do this. Mm-hmm. I just have to worry about today and now and just try to make it as long as I can. You know, everyone would ask like, how long you stopping for? Like, I, I can't tell you that. Like, I'm not gonna be like, oh, six months. Like, no, I'm, yeah, I'm just gonna, you know, keep going and take it day by day. There you go. And it's funny too, so my dad will ask me like, oh, you still quitting or whatever. Did you still stop? I'm like, yeah, I still haven't stopped. And he's like, you know, shocked cuz he didn't expect it either. Right? He knows I've been smoking as long as I have. And so I think that's been really, hopefully putting things in perspective for him too. Because I really haven't smoked since at all. I had a dream that I had smoked and I woke up like feeling so guilty. Oh man, my stomach was turning. I

Jon: 26:42

can't tell you how many times I had dreams like that. Like if I had, uh, a sip of alcohol when I was starting out or a cigarette and I woke up. Mad. Yes. And the dream was so real that I woke up. I'm like, it's so real. I fucking did that last night. Yes. Son of a bitch. I was

Jacki: 26:58

so ashamed. I thought I had to tell Chris about it, like Right. I literally was like, it took me like an hour in the morning to like really like wake up and realize that that did not happen. That was a dream, right? Yeah. Like I literally was like so convinced I had smoked. Like why did I do that? I like hated

Jon: 27:13

myself. And then you come to your sons and. Wait a minute. We're still good? Yes,

Jacki: 27:17

we're good. I'm like, oh, I didn't really smoke

Jon: 27:21

That's fucking crazy. Yeah. I've had those dreams too with a bunch of different substances and, and experiences and the, the crazy thing was those dreams were so real because it would still be with like, our, our group of friends. Yes. Or like some, A very real setting. Very real setting. Could have totally happened. Probably did happen. Yes. Right. And then I woke up like a pissed off motherfucker.

Jacki: 27:41

That's literally exactly what it was like for me. Exactly what it was like. That's fucking crazy.

Jon: 27:47

the, uh, ask you like why you wanted to quit, it was mm-hmm. obviously for, for health reasons. Mm-hmm. um, to get control of your life. How long? To

Jacki: 27:55

free myself. To free yourself. I didn't wanna be a slave anymore. There you

Jon: 27:58

go. And the other. Question was how long you'd been contemplating it and you probably said probably around a year.

Jacki: 28:05

I don't even think it was the full year. I think eight months.

Jon: 28:08

Yep. You said August, right? Where it

Jacki: 28:09

put it in perspective? August and I stopped in January. Okay, so like, what is that, like five months? Five, six? Yeah. Yeah.

Jon: 28:16

Yeah. The other question I was gonna ask

Jacki: 28:18

was, I didn't say it out loud though, until like two, three months before actually one or two months before You,

Jon: 28:24

you didn't actually tell yourself that it was a real

Jacki: 28:26

thought. Well, I knew it was a real thought. I just didn't, I was, I'm not, I'm not a liar and I'm not gonna, like I said, I'm not gonna say it unless I feel it, so I didn't want to say it to someone. and then they come back and be like, oh, how'd that go? And I'm like, it didn't, I mean, cause that's shameful for myself. I

Jon: 28:41

mean, you had seen like Joe and myself talk about we're gonna stop. We were very v we're very vocal about like the things we do. Mm-hmm. and our goals. You know, we're always telling people, oh yeah, what we're doing. You know, and before we, we were disciplined, it was almost like empty words for us, you know? And you probably saw us say, we're gonna. I'm gonna quit this. I'm gonna quit that all the time. And we didn't.

Jacki: 29:08

Right. I mean, to be honest, like you and Joe were probably the only people I'd ever seen actually stick to the things they say. I never saw you guys like that at all. It was everyone else who I saw, especially like with my dad, you know, I never saw him drink, not one less drink, really. You know, even though he said he would because

Jon: 29:23

we felt like we were all talk for a little bit. I mean, you gotta understand like Joe was drinking for like six, seven years and I was doing my shit for six or seven years.

Jacki: 29:32

Yeah. For one, I would see what you were like after you caved and you hated yourself. Oh my God. You hated yourself. It was not, I knew the day like you'd cave one night and I knew the next day it was gonna be a really bad day for you. Yeah. You, you felt

Jon: 29:44

that you really beat yourself up about it when I walked into the room. Yeah. I can

Jacki: 29:47

find you. Really be yourself up about it hat myself. Even if I wasn't with you, I knew you were gonna spend that whole day. Very upset. Just very

Jon: 29:54

upset. It took me eight years to quit though. Yeah. And like the last two years were really, I tried really hard those last two years. Every single day it was, I need to quit. You quit

Jacki: 30:04

everything at once though. That's like crazy.

Jon: 30:06

Uh, no. No. I, I quit the alcohol and the cocaine for three weeks. Okay. Then I quit the, we. that's still pretty

Jacki: 30:16

back to

Jon: 30:16

back. Right. And then a year later I quit nicotine. So there was a space between that. Mm-hmm. And then a year after that I quit legal legends. Yeah. So if I would've quit weed, alcohol and cocaine at the same time, it probably wouldn't happen. Yeah. Like I needed those three weeks to having weed. Oh yeah, to get you through it. I mean, the alcohol withdrawals were unlike anything I'd ever experienced in my life. You know? Withdrawals are brutal, man. It's fucked up. Not to get off topic, but I was gonna ask, how was anything difficult for you when you were quitting, specifically? Like your mood, I know we've talked a little bit about your sleep schedule and that, so what happened with

Jacki: 30:54

that? So, for me, it's kind of crazy because. I was, I'm very high functioning, and even when I was smoking, I felt sober. I've never, not felt like sober other than like when maybe I first started smoking. So I didn't feel, I don't feel more sober to be honest than I did three months ago. I don't feel more motivated. Like I've always been motivated. I've always been really pushing myself. I've always, I've never let go of those things, you know? I've always tried to keep going and be motivated, and I always felt sober. So none of those things have changed for me at all. I'd say when I stopped, even like withdrawal rise. I craved, I it. I don't think I really had withdrawals other than my sleep was really, really bad. My sleep was horrible. And that lasted, I mean, it's still kind of going on, but a little bit better now. So the entire first month, every single night I had crazy night sweats. I'm talking, I'd have to wake up and change my clothes like three, four times. I'd have to like lay a towel down on the bed because I am just drenched from head to toe. That's fucked. Yeah. Like I had to tell Chris like, go over there like, cuz you know, we cuddle a lot. We're cuddlers, And I would just be like, he'd go to put his arm around me and I'm like, just don't do it. please don't, don't do it because it's like embarrassing. Even cuz I can change my clothes, but my hair is soaked. Right. You know what I mean? Hill bodies. Yeah. I had to take like, I like just laying on a towel like I. Like as though I just wet up bed or something. Like like it was terrible. It so like even with my own fiance, it's like so embarrassing. Like just to be like, I had to lay a towel down last night cause I was sweating so much. But it was like for the whole month though, right? The whole month. And I was having crazy nightmares. I'd wake up like crying or I just wouldn't sleep at all. I just stare at the ceiling cause I'm too scared to go to bed. Fuck. I feel like I faced all my demons, but also other random ones that I didn't have.

Jon: 32:49

I faced all the demons I was supposed to face, and then there were a couple other stragglers

Jacki: 32:53

in there. Yeah, there was. There was like weird, weird stuff, you know, like head ons with like sharks and getting robbed and like, just like all kinds of crazy stuff, man. It's literally just

Jon: 33:02

your imagination coming back. Oh yeah. Because you said you didn't really dream too much when you were smoking.

Jacki: 33:08

No, I mean like I would dream, but I feel like, I don't know. My whole life, I've never been much of a dreamer my whole life though, like, you know, I've had issues with bad dreams. Like when I was in like fifth grade, I had such a bad dream that I couldn't even go to school. It was like a dream that like my parents died or something like that. I couldn't even go to school for like two weeks because it affected me so much. Yeah. So like my whole. Never been. I don't like dreams, I don't like them. They're too real. They're too real. I can put myself, I'm a very empathetic person. Like, like if you tell me something sad that happened to you, I will cry feeling your pain. And I think in dreams, they just feel so real to me that like it's hard to snap myself out of them. The only times I ever enjoy dreaming was cuz like, you know, I was able to control that. Like I, I'm able to like fly in my dreams. right? The, the lucid dreams. Yeah. Those are fun. So like, that's literally the only time I've ever liked it is when I was able to like, you know, I can make myself fly now or whatever. But

Jon: 34:03

for the first month it was all

Jacki: 34:04

straight nightmares though. Straight nightmares. There was no control, there was no stopping it and there's no feeling like I was dreaming. They all felt like I was in it all in the nightmare. They all, they all felt so real. Like I was, you know. Awake when I wasn't awake. I even have dreams where like I thought I was waking up, but I'm still dreaming and I'm just like back in another dream. Like in those movies, you know, like Inception. Yeah. It's just they were terrible nightmares. So I'm sweating. I'm waking up crying. It was horrible. That was the first

Jon: 34:32

month though, right? You said it's calmed down a little bit now. Right, so

Jacki: 34:35

now it's not really the sweating that's really a problem anymore. And the dreams. Aren't as terrifying now. They're just really weird, like really weird dreams. like Chris had told me like, you should write a dream journal. I'm like, no. Nobody needs to know what's going on in there. Dude. like, I will not leave proof of what is going on That's, fuck. Like, there's no way that there can be evidence of what dreams

Jon: 34:59

I'm having. I'm gonna be honest. Like I, I enjoy. I enjoy my dreams. You do? I enjoy the really fucking weird ones. Oh, I sometimes like the really weird ones. I wake up and I put my alarm on for 15 minutes. I'm like, really? I'm, I'm going back in.

Jacki: 35:14

That's weird. Even, even like the weird ones though, they're still, they're not good. They're like either just playing weird or they're still kind of weird and bad, but they're not bad enough to like shake me. Okay. You know what I mean? Like you still want to get out of it though. Yeah. I still don't wanna be part of it. you be

Jon: 35:30

like, nah, this, I've exceeded the threshold. I need to get

Jacki: 35:32

outta here for like the whole first month. Even like Chris be like, come on, come to bed. And I'm like, I'm not sleeping tonight. I'm not going to bed.

Jon: 35:39

Nope. Is not happening. like, no, I can already tell you where my mind's at right now. Exactly. Not gonna happen. Exactly.

Jacki: 35:47

But, uh, so dream wise has been really rough, but now it's that it's almost, you know, it's been over a month and a half. The sweating's got a little better, you know, around like, you know, not TMI or anything, but around my cycle I might like be a little sweaty, but it's not to where it was before. I don't have to like change my clothes like that and stuff. That's

Jon: 36:06

good though. Um, I mean, your body was just basically in. Because your body used weed for 15 years. Yeah. To maintain

Jacki: 36:14

homeostasis. Literally that, and I think. Think the weed, the thing, the thing that the weed affected the most throughout my whole body is literally my hormones. Mm-hmm. Like obviously it helped me hormonally with like my moods and like my emotions, but I didn't realize how like literally it controlled my hormones. Like literally cuz us even on my cycles or whatever, I mean like, it was just crazy cuz like with how much I was sweating and all my nightmares and everything, I felt like my hormones were just going nuts. Yeah. Like they were just going absolutely crazy. They're like, what are you doing to us? Yeah. Like

Jon: 36:44

we have never, we haven't dealt with this

Jacki: 36:46

ever. Yeah. They're like, what is happening right now? So now it's, it's been a little better. I'm still having like these weird dreams, but I'm able to sleep through the night. That's good. I have like an AA ring and I like watch it every day. And for the longest time it was yelling at me. It literally tells me like, you need to manage your stress. You're not sleeping. Your heart rate's too high. Like, it just, I always wake up like, oh, it's yelling at me again. You're like, I know. Yeah. But now it's starting to be. Like literally one morning I woke up, I swear to God in my ring, said it's gonna be okay, And I'm like, fuck, dude. Like you're like, I needed that. It literally said, don't worry, it's gonna, everything's gonna be okay.

Jon: 37:23

That's actually

Jacki: 37:24

fucking weird. It leaves you like a little message when it tells you your score. You know, it says manager stress levels or do this, and one morning it just, Literally word for word. Don't worry. Everything is gonna be okay.

Jon: 37:36

Kinda. Chris has been trying to get me on that aura ring thing.

Jacki: 37:39

Yeah, I mean like there's different, like there's Apple watches, all this other stuff. I just got the aura ring for like Christmas, so I'm still fairly new to it, but it's it because my sleep's been the number one thing affected, it's helped me analyze it. like literally with results of course. And now it's getting to a point. I literally got a good job this morning cause had a good night's sleep. Yeah. Like I, it's like you slept longer than usual. Like it's proud of me today, Yay. So it, you know, and it tells me like, it's been telling me like, your heart rate's still too high. Your heart rate's still too high. I'm like, oh God, I don't know what to do about that. And then finally it's like your heart rate lowered So we're working through it. We're working through it. thankfully, cuz I was about ready to never sleep again. I, I can imagine. And then that does not help my mood and then I'm like so terrible at work all day. Right.

Jon: 38:29

So the difficulties in the sleep, uh, the sweating, your, you said your energy hasn't changed. Well, I mean, your energy changed because of the sleep, right? Not because of the not smoking weed. Right. For people like me, like when I quit smoking, like I have way more. Energy really, because when I'd smoke, like I would do the same things. It's like I'm going to eat a burrito. Mm-hmm. play video games, watch tv. Very mellow things, right? Mm-hmm. But I would do that in order to keep myself. Mellow because my brain moves so fucking fast. Yeah. Even if I'm not drinking caffeine, I have to like pace throughout the apartment. Lisa watches me sometimes like before I get to writing or stuff, like I, I have like very weird rituals, right? Mm-hmm. but when I stop smoking weed, all of that repressed energy I had like is very difficult to manage for. So I had way more energy, but I had to put it into video games to start because it was actually too much.

Jacki: 39:27

Because you had to find a way to like release it. I had no idea. You gotta

Jon: 39:31

release that energy. I know. Well, at the time when I first started getting sober, I worked two jobs. Mm-hmm. I worked 50 hours a week to, you know, the old cliched. Idle hands that are the devil's playground. Mm-hmm. It's like if I just keep working, cuz I never liked going to work fucked up. Mm-hmm. I always got fucked up outside of work, you know, so if I work all the time and then all that energy I had outside of that, I'll put it into video games for now. Yeah. It's a good distraction. Right. Until I was like, I got better at managing my energy. I'm like, okay, we can, we can work out now. Yeah. You know, or we can go hang out with people. I'm not like a total spazz right now, you know? Yeah. So, See,

Jacki: 40:08

oh, I'm sorry. What were you gonna say? No, it's, it's good you go. I was just gonna say, I've always been, I'm a very high energy person. Like there is a fire always burning inside of me that used to be, you know, more angry, focused And then ever since I worked through all that constructively had been more just like an energy burning where, you know, it's passion now. Oh yeah. Straight passion, you know, to dedicate myself into growing in some way. I'm always self-reflecting on what I can do or whatever. that like we'd never stopped that. You know what I mean?

Jon: 40:37

So, so what other, so I guess I might want to ask you in like a couple months, cuz right now your body is doing this whole like physical revamp, you know? Mm-hmm. because like we said, you used the weed as like homeostasis. Your hormones were outta

Jacki: 40:51

whack. I really used it more, I think, to calm myself down. Right? Like I needed to be calmed down.

Jon: 40:57

of course. And, but right now you're like, oh, I haven't felt more motivated or had more energy right now. But I think like your body for the last six weeks was almost in like fight or flight mode because you didn't even get any sleep. You're like, oh my God, I gotta go to work. And then after work you're like, oh my God, I don't want to go to sleep. Yeah.

Jacki: 41:15

But like even when I was smoking, like I'm very, you know, Oh, I work out and I roller blade. I do all these like so many different activities and I always keep myself going. Like in the summertime, like even if I'm alone, I'm doing stuff, I'm outside walking or whatever. Even in the winter on my lunch breaks, I go for walks and stuff, and then even now I'm quitting. Like I've been going to dance classes with Lisa. Right. And so that's what I mean. It's not like I just like never had low motivation to begin with,

Jon: 41:42

I guess. Have you noticed a difference in your perspective on things?

Jacki: 41:46

my perspective definitely has changed. And at first, like I thought too, like, you know, I don't know, the longer I go without it, I'm starting to realize it might be like the cigarette thing where I don't wanna go back. Like, I dunno, part of me feels like there's gonna be occasions where I am gonna wanna smoke and I might let myself, cuz at that point, like it was never like a physical thing for me to wear, like with cigarettes, you know. That went like really deep with this, you know, it was for fun and to like relax or whatever, but like when I, like even thinking about smoking just makes me feel so guilty. It just, I don't know why I just get so guilty even though I'm thinking about

Jon: 42:20

it. I mean, if you're feeling guilty about even having the thought, then that means like internally, you're, you're ashamed of it. It's almost like you've already done all this work for this six weeks. It's like you're literally, you've gone through almost, you've gone through hell. I did go early, get and. By you even having the thought of possibly doing it again, like your soul or like who you are deep down is like, oh, I can't even fathom. Right? Like having to go through this hell again. What if I have to, what if I smoke again and I have to go through this hell and the sweats all over again?

Jacki: 42:50

Or what if I just wanna keep smoking? Right? Like I don't feel like I've been off of it long enough to where I'm not gonna wanna do it

Jon: 42:57

again. Right. But you still feel guilty for even having that thought.

Jacki: 43:00

Oh yeah. Like even when on days I crave it, like cuz it, it like comes and goes. You know, the first week was much easier than I thought it was gonna be. And then after, once we got to like the month mark, I was like craving it. It's like when my body was like, are you serious? Like, I'm starting to think you're serious now. are you serious? Like I thought this was, you know, just. you know, something you were going through like right? But now it's like, this is real, this is serious. This is something I'm, you know, I'm really working through it. So now that like it's, you know, my mind already knew and now it's catching up to the rest of me that like, you know,

Jon: 43:34

I think once your, your mind and your body. and your life outside of without weed is in sync. Mm-hmm. you know, I think it's gonna be a different perspective. Yeah. I think you're gonna look at things differently. Like, my brother likes smoking weed more than I did. Joe liked dabs, right? Mm-hmm. I don't know if Joe ever even thinks about weed like that anymore. Yeah. You know, cuz it would totally ruin his running. Oh yeah. You know, but he's just, he's so fucking driven. It's, it's, he is so driven. It's crazy.

Jacki: 44:04

But I want a piece of it.

Jon: 44:06

Yeah. It's, it's. I get little spurts of it, but he, he is a driven motherfucker for sure. I couldn't even, I don't even feel, I couldn't even think of drinking. Yeah. For smoking weed again, like just from, I'm coming up on four years now without it, and like if I just look at what I've accomplished in those four years, it's like, why would I do those things? Yeah. Because those things didn't like bring me to where I am now. You. It just seems illogical for me. Right. You know, you and, and Chris and everybody else who isn't totally destructive. Like, I, like I am, you know, you guys can deal with it your way

Jacki: 44:46

for, I've made all my accomplishments through smoking and stuff too, you know? Right. Like, I don't know. For me with this was like, it's just about something that's so much more different. You know what I mean? It wasn't like, oh, I sleep too much, or I eat too much, or I don't have any motivation or anything like that. For me, it was, I wanna learn how to live the life around me and go through these up and downs and. You know, I'd get mad and be like, I need to smoke right now. I don't wanna feel that way anymore. You know what I mean? Like, like just like that energy. Yeah. Like I just, I wanna be able to like, feel my emotions run through me and learn. Learn to just let'em go. Just let'em go. That

Jon: 45:21

is the first step in getting rid of these filters. Yeah. As I called them. Yeah.

Jacki: 45:25

You know, everyone's like, oh, I need something. I need vice, like, why do we need that? You know, like why

Jon: 45:31

it's very Buddhistic of you. I don't know if I'd use that word. Oh, thank you. Yeah. I don't know if I use that word correctly, but to ask that question is, uh, aesthetics or Buddhist or, you know, any monks in general that look at life, they use like food, water, sleep. Mm-hmm. right? Like in shelter, those things are just necessary. Mm-hmm. And they'll ask like, well, why do we need those vices? Why do we need those pleasures? You know? And that was a pretty big question you asked you. I can't get rid of all of my pleasures in life. I can't. No. Like I find pleasure in coffee and Yeah.

Jacki: 46:02

I stopped that too. Yes. Well, I stopped that before I stopped smoking.

Jon: 46:05

Right. You know, I still have like my, my video games and it, it'd be like asking me to quit basketball.

Jacki: 46:11

but that's, I don't think, like why do we have to quit them? Like the good stuff, you know what I mean? Like those are the things that like, right, like I love my dance classes. I found like a whole other side of myself in those, like to tell me to quit them. Like, it's like now you're just telling me to stop doing things good for me.

Jon: 46:26

right? Yeah. So will me smoking cigars or eating ice cream, those would be considered vices. Oh

Jacki: 46:33

dude. When I was first starting to quit, my sugar cravings were through the roof. Oh yeah. I was like, I'm just gonna get fat now. That's like, I was just getting that ice cream every day. I'm like, it, I'll work through that eventually.

Jon: 46:47

I was never, that's how I got off of, uh, my eig. Yeah. Was candy the first three weeks? Skittles and Reese's, I've just

Jacki: 46:55

wanted like chocolate ice cream every day, Oh yeah.

Jon: 46:58

I was never worried about my addiction to sugar though. And I'm like, I don't like how sugar makes me feel afterwards. Right. Saying, right. So if I need to have it in the moment to get through something, I'm gonna give it to myself. Right? Yeah. And, and lo and behold, after three weeks of being off my E-cig, I stopped going to the gas station. Snacks.

Jacki: 47:16

Yeah. Plus like, I don't like candy. I'm not much of a sugar person anyways. And I have a gluten allergy. I can't really eat dessert. Right. Very often. So, and we have keto ice cream, so it's like sugarless ice cream, So like you guys are just restocked on that all the day. I just like needed the taste of some chocolate and I just needed to like, I did have like, It wasn't necessarily high energy, but like there was like this like burning inside of me. Like, I need to distract myself. I need something right now.

Jon: 47:43

Well cause so you were, obviously, you guys watch a lot of tv, different shows and stuff like that. Mm-hmm. and when that, that one coping mechanism isn't enough, you're probably sitting there like, I need something else.

Jacki: 47:55

Yeah. I was like bored with the tv. I was like, I'm like, fuck, I need some ice cream Right.

Jon: 48:01

I know that feeling.

Jacki: 48:02

Fortunately though, you know, It's not like, you know, I'm still eating ice cream every day or anything. I go through my periods where I'll like crave it and then I'll never, won't really crave it cuz I'm not much of a sweets person. Right. But it's funny, so curses like you're eating ice cream a lot. I'm like, do not deprive me. Like I don't have it. Like I don't eat sweets at oven. So when I want a sweet, just give it to me. I

Jon: 48:26

used to say for years that I wasn't a sweets person. Because I would like try and trick myself into not liking sugar. Mm-hmm. you know, but then at family parties, I started eating cookies and cake and my sister's like, but you don't like sweets. I'm like, Kath. Everybody likes sweets, Everybody likes it. All right. I just say that out loud to trick myself so I don't always just devour a cake. You know, Exactly. I don't like the keto ice cream though that you guys eat. It tastes like chalk.

Jacki: 48:53

I love it. I think it tastes so good. Gross. I think it tastes so good. I don't, I think regular ice cream's very sweet to me now. Yeah, that's really sweet. Like I might have like a scoop of regular ice cream. I'll eat a whole pint of some keto ice cream, but it's not just any keto ice cream. It's a good stuff. We only like two very specific brands and like that is literally, it is that Rebel. Rebel. And then the the, my favorite one is a brand literally called Keto. Mm. And it is by far, I mean, sure, I'm sure somebody who's like eaten regular sugar and can have gluten and stuff all day probably tastes different of course. But for me, who never really has Sweetss to begin, and who I always think things are too sweet. Like, you know, like I don't buy sweet beverages cuz they're too sweet to me. Mm-hmm. I've always liked like lower, lighter sugars, so. eaten. They like the keto ice cream and stuff that just like to me tastes so good. And they have like, you know, I can have like the brownie and the cookie dough and all that cuz it's all gluten free. It's made with like almond flour or something. So it's just, I love it. It's your guilty pleasure. It is my guilty pleasure You guys

Jon: 49:56

can keep that and I'll stick to my real ice cream Everybody wins. Exactly. So do got any like tips for anybody who might be, as you say, self-reflecting on maybe. Quitting a habit they've been doing for 15 years, whether

Jacki: 50:13

you've done it for a few years or longer, I've come to realize like addiction is really what you've made of it. It's what you've put into it. It's whether it's like a substance or whatever it is. You know, some people have a really hard time, like you said, even quitting sugar, like addiction to us, I think is what we put a lot of our energy into to find some type of relief. And I think when we try to remove. Sure we freak out cuz it's like, this is how I found that relief. But you know, no real growth I think can occur until we take ourselves out of our comfort zone. And I started realizing I was letting myself be way too comfortable all the time. We don't have to cope with things. We can work through them if we allow ourselves to. I think we're just really scared to, and that's like the one thing that my dad had said. So he says it so much. I'm just so scared. I'm just so scared. And it is really scary. It's really fucking scary. It's scarier for him. To think about stopping than it is the thought of him go still doing it, killing him, which is crazy. You'd think you'd be so scared of like dying from it. For me, it really shook me for even myself that like, if I can't feel like I can like spend a day without smoking weed, like holy shit. Like what have I put into this like that. I feel that way, you know? And I think it just like, you know, we can't be afraid to let ourselves. I think people, you know, a lot of people say, oh, I suffer depression or anxiety or this or that. I think we hold onto the emotions that we really can't let go of and until you learn how to, in some way without drugs, whether they're, you know, prescription or whether they're wet makes you have fun through it or whatever. Yeah, we're

Jon: 51:45

fast food and sugar

Jacki: 51:46

and stuff. Exactly like whatever it is. I think we, we truly have to let ourselves feel it to let it go. It's vulnerable. It is so vulnerable. It's, it's tough, dude. Don't be afraid to cry. I've cried so many dives, like just no reason, just gotta shed a tear. But like, I'm, for once, I'm just, I'm just letting myself feel it, you know? And honestly, it makes you feel so alive. Like it feels good. Why do we like numbing yourself short? It might feel better in the moment, but you just feel numb after it. Like, you know, you're just always numb, like letting yourself feel. Even the bad really. Lets in so much more room for good and it. it makes, you know, now I feel like there's life highs that I get, you know, on. Like the things I'm doing now and how far I'm getting, you know, it almost gives me that high on its own just because, because it's

Jon: 52:32

unfiltered, it's real. Yeah.

Jacki: 52:34

Like I'm feeling it. Exactly. You know, like it just. We can't be so afraid of the things. We gotta learn how to let go. Honestly, you gotta let go. Your life can be whatever you make of it. You just, you've just gotta be willing to give it to yourself. We gotta like people, you know, for some reason we've convinced ourselves that maybe we don't deserve it. or that we should be ashamed of ourselves or you know, for whatever the reason is, you know, we're scared. You just gotta know that. Like really you can give yourself the life you want if you're willing to face those things and learn how to work through them for real and let them go. Cuz if you try to avoid feeling it, they're just gonna keep following you, right?

Jon: 53:14

You gotta make those sacrifices,

Jacki: 53:15

I think. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's like a shadow. It's just gonna like follow you everywhere you go until you literally just learn how to like not wear it anymore.

Jon: 53:24

Right. Let go of it. Deal with it. Mm-hmm. it is scary at first feeling. Yeah. Feelings are so scary, man. Cuz you know the starts of when I was getting sober. I didn't hang out with you guys. I was only, like I said, I was only able to go to work, come home and play league, and hit my E-cig. Like, I couldn't go and see anybody, like, I couldn't go and do anything. I couldn't work out. Like I, I couldn't do anything because I was so afraid of how I was gonna feel. Like I knew how I was supposed to feel at work, and I knew how I was supposed to feel playing video games. Right. But being completely unfiltered, like in the first couple weeks was so scary to. I just, it's intense. I could, I, it was so intense I couldn't even face anything, you know? But once I started getting reacclimated to feeling, You know, I would come out and see you guys, friends and family go into different events, you know, like, then it got easier and now the feelings were very authentic. They're very real. Like, oh my God, I don't need a filter. I don't need to numb myself to feel alive anymore. And it's totally worth it. The first, even like the first couple days, worked, first couple weeks to anybody out there who's, you know, going through something very similar to this, like, once you get through it, it's totally worth it. Mm-hmm. like, you know, in the moment it might suck. Trust me, but it's, and

Jacki: 54:44

some things really do the, like, the more physical, the addiction, more physically addicted you are to it. Oh yeah. It's way harder. Yeah. Oh yeah, of course. Like I can't tell someone, oh, you know, you're getting off heroin or something like, no problem. Like, that's tough. You know what I mean? Like every substance has its level, but it is really what you put into it. It's what you put into the addiction. It's what you put into trying to live a better life.

Jon: 55:06

Right. The amount of effort you put into getting addicted to those things. Exactly. Now take that effort and putting it into getting out of those

Jacki: 55:14

things. We have to stop trying to run away. Yeah. Just, just, just stop trying to run away from

Jon: 55:20

it. it's, it is easier said than done. Mm-hmm. but I think voicing that concern with ourself, the self-reflection, as you've said, I think it's totally worth it. I think it's necessary now, especially post covid, now that we're all kind of wondering who the fuck we're supposed to be, you know? Yeah. It's not all about work or my, my TV screen or my phone screen. Like a lot of people are worried about their health now. Mentally and physical. Mm-hmm. And I think that's great.

Jacki: 55:46

I think there's, you know, it could be a year of breakthroughs. You know, we don't have to lock ourselves away anymore. Like, you know, COVID is over and we're allowed to go back to. the things we wanna live, but, you know, I don't know about anyone else, but I wasn't really happy with the life I was living before. I mean, like, I was happy with my life, you know, I love my fiance and stuff like that, but I was stuck in this monotonous job and this monotonous day and just feeling like everything in my day was what I was supposed to be doing. I, I found some relief in Covid cause it was like, ah, I get to do the things I wanna do and I get to stay home and watch TV and smoke or just hang out with Chris all day or whatever. But then that got boring. It never got boring for me. I just, I literally, I mean, don't get me wrong, I know a lot of people spent that time alone and that that really hit them. But for me it was like I had worked so much all the time and was always like trying to just do whatever I thought I was supposed to to get to move forward. It was like I finally just got the wants. You know, I want to do this today. I want to do that today or whatever. So I did kind of enjoy it. And then now, that I have to go back to this life, you know, where you still have to work. I can't just stay at home and make money or do whatever. It's like, how do I live a life where I can still be successful and move forward, but I'm still getting those wants, you know? I'm still enjoying life. Exactly. Yeah. I'm still freeing myself, right. I'm not gonna let it weigh on me. I

Jon: 57:12

think, uh, getting rid of the weed was the first step in doing that, or last step in doing it, honestly. Yeah.

Jacki: 57:18

Yeah. I think I'm a loose cannon now.

Jon: 57:22

A loose cannon. Aimed cannon. You know, your sights are set on something greater though, so that's a good thing. Yeah.

Jacki: 57:28

And even in quitting, I will say this too, that anger did not, it doesn't come back. You know what I mean? It's not like, oh, now I'm back to being angry. It's like, no angry Jackie. Yeah, no. Now it's just, you know, now, now I can just like feel good being me. and loving myself and it's

Jon: 57:44

easier to take a step

Jacki: 57:45

back. I'd say that's also honestly one of the biggest things I could tell someone too, who wants to overcome something. Like for some reason I feel like it drives from not being able to love yourself. You're ashamed or you're whatever. And if there's one thing I could say, it's like you really gotta learn how to just love and appreciate yourself. And I really think that that could get you through anything, right? Like

Jon: 58:03

base level. Like, yeah, that self-reflection, self-love. All

Jacki: 58:08

I do is self-reflect That's it.

Jon: 58:11

Self-reflect. I'm a fucking mirror

Jacki: 58:13

Literally, I like exposed myself, to myself.

Jon: 58:18

And now you're not angry about

Jacki: 58:20

it. No. Now it's okay. And you know, I, I, forgive me, and

Jon: 58:25

there you go. Let's move forward. That is the key. Well, I think we had a really good conversation. I agree. I think we talked about some really good points today. Um, yeah. Appreciate you coming on. Probably gonna cut this not short, but we're probably gonna end this. Yeah. Um, so I appreciate you coming on talking about, you know, quitting your, your weed habit after 15 years. How it's impacted you, um, how you're looking forward to using your self-reflection and mental health, health towards the future. Big goals and big breaks and all that other good stuff. So yeah. Appreciate you coming on. We're, thank you for having me. Absolutely. Uh, I appreciate everybody who's came out to, uh, listen to this episode. Don't forget to follow, like, and subscribe and tell your homies about it, your friends and family. Have a good rest of your day. Peace out.