Edgar Ruiz: Finding the Positivity and Passion to Live Your Best Life

It's one of those inspirational episodes. Sheeeeeesh.

As we sail through the digital sea of content creation, my buddy Edgar, a  video editor and streamer, joins me for a heart-to-heart on the peaks and valleys of our online endeavors. We strip down the glamorized façade of social media success to reveal the raw struggle for authenticity and the tenacity it takes to shape an inclusive community. In the realm of Twitch streams and video edits, Edgar sheds light on the balance of entertaining an audience while fostering a space brimming with positivity. Our conversation takes a deep dive into the importance of embracing the here and now, holding onto the joy in our journey, and why the chase for fulfillment shouldn't be confined within the walls of a nine-to-five.

Strap in as we navigate the choppy waters of balancing life's obligations with the burning desire to create. I open up about my own battles with consistency and the delicate dance between confidence and arrogance. We share the sometimes uncomfortable truth that personal development is a perpetual quest, one that often nudges us out of our nestled comfort zones. This episode is a testament to the courage required to pursue passions against the current of life's incessant demands, and serves as a beacon for those yearning to cultivate a joyous existence both online and off.

Finally, we cast a light on the transformative effect of daily habits and the profound beauty of vulnerability. I recount tales of resilience, dissect the catharsis found in therapy, and applaud the strength it takes to seek help. The podcast becomes a mosaic of stories featuring past guests who've grappled with their demons and emerged victorious, underscoring the unshakable power of community and accountability. Here, we craft a narrative not just of dreaming, but of doing—painting a picture of a life that relentlessly chases aspirations while nurturing well-being in every brushstroke. Join us for an episode that's less about the final destination and more about the richness of the voyage there.

Follow Edgar on his pages!
https://www.youtube.com/@EdgarAllanBud
https://www.instagram.com/edgar_allan_bud/

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

Welcome to another episode of Feel Free, the only podcast that'll tell you to chase your dreams and call you out and all your bullshit, myself included. On this episode, I got my buddy Edgar here today.

Speaker 2: 0:17

How you doing Good. I'm nervous a little bit.

Speaker 1: 0:21

We're both a little nervous for some odd fucking reason, but I don't know. Maybe it's because we didn't prepare too much, but our conversations are inspiring, to say the least, when we have them, obviously. So I said, why don't we just record them? So today we're going to be talking a little bit about content creation, struggles behind that, maybe social media, staying healthy in all those areas. Edgar is a content creator, video editor, and he's also a streamer too. What do you stream right now currently?

Speaker 2: 0:55

I mean I just stream a little bit of everything. Honestly, I play a lot of video games. So honestly, just once a week, I just try to promote a positive space for people and just have a good time all doing it. I enjoy playing video games and, like you said, I was like why not just record it, why not just share it with the world? So that's kind of why I started doing that. But I just play video games. Sometimes I do reactions. Might do a little bit of karaoke soon. Who?

Speaker 1: 1:21

knows.

Speaker 2: 1:22

So it's going to be growing but, like you were saying, it's the first official podcast of ours. I feel like we've had a lot of good conversations and we've had a lot of secret podcasts where the world hasn't seen yet. So, yeah, it's nice that we get to share this with the world and open conversation. It's fun, right, right.

Speaker 1: 1:41

I think that most of the times where we come here and we just chat about what we're doing with the podcast and everything, and then we tangent off into more inspirational topics about our life and where we want to see it and the work that goes into it, and it's nice because both of us get a little discouraged about where we're at. But then we also try and motivate and pump the other person up and we haven't recorded it. So now this is the first time that we are going to record it. I've actually hopped in on some of your streams too.

Speaker 1: 2:16

Whether you notice it or not. I think you were saying I mean, I forgot what I said. I typed in the chat one time because you were talking about something random and I think you were playing Fortnite then Probably.

Speaker 2: 2:31

That's 90% of my streams playing Fortnite.

Speaker 2: 2:33

For sure Appreciate the lurking, though I always see random people. Some people don't say hi, but it's just like, ah, someone's watching. I sometimes do get discouraged because it's like weapons if only one person's watching. So I try not to think about the number, because at the end of the day it's like I'm just, I'm trying to have a good time, I'm trying to enjoy myself and if anybody wants to join me in doing that, then they can join me. If nobody wants to join me, it's like, hey, at least at the end of the day I know what I'm doing, I'm having a good time and I'm promoting a good time. So if people want to join, that cool awesome. I appreciate all the lurks.

Speaker 1: 3:08

It's dope, it's the support that counts. When I hopped in, I think there was five people actually in the stream too.

Speaker 2: 3:17

I joined.

Speaker 2: 3:17

Yeah, I made a title that like five year ago because I was like you know, it's usually like my wife, me and then maybe one other person hopping in and out. So I was just like let me see if I can get five people in here. And a lot of my friends did show some support and I was like I appreciate you guys. It's been kind of a struggle trying to stay consistent with that. I told myself. I've been wanting to stream for like a really long time and I was just like what's stopping me? So I've honestly been watching this dude on TikTok. He's been popping up on my feed, just consistent, consistent like videos of him saying like you just do it. Like you know, being like inspirational, motivational, and just saying like, hey, like you say you want to do it, so just do it.

Speaker 2: 4:00

Like you know, and I feel like we've had that conversation a lot of times where we're like not sure what we want to do or how are we going to go about it. And you know, I honestly enjoy just those open conversations with people saying like, hey, like I know, this is one of your dreams, I know this is one of your goals. How are you going to get there? That's up to you, but just having another person hear you out on that and not like feel judged or anything like this man's crazy. He's trying to like what is he trying to do? Like you know, just go get a job and you know that, there you go. But it's like yeah, I feel like a lot of people are more open to just being able to enjoy that and being able to like hey.

Speaker 2: 4:38

I want to do more than just get a career and live my nine to five. I want to live. Kind of gonna get off track here a little bit, but like yeah, like I feel like a struggle I've had is being able to just be in that present moment and just like live and work is not one of those things that I want to live for. Like doing my working, like that's that's not life. Like I want to be able to go my day by day and live and just have, have a good time, honestly.

Speaker 2: 5:08

And that's why I wanted to go into streaming, going into like content creation, because I want to share that with the world, being able to tell them like hey, like we're all in kind of a same spot, like we're all in a weird space, like I'm 25 right now, like I feel, like I've I've wanted to be ahead of where I'm at currently, and so a lot of times I'm just like I got to take a chill and just take a breather. Like you say, what's this one saying? Like ease up, like just ease up Bro like so I sometimes.

Speaker 2: 5:39

I just got to ease up and be like all right, just enjoy the moment. Like you've dreamt of this moment before and you're finally there. And I know that we all get these dreams and we want to be somewhere else, but it's like, hey, like we wanted to be here too at some point in our life and so we got to enjoy that and just keep on living honestly.

Speaker 1: 5:58

Right, not get too down on yourself, be too hard on yourself. On the last episode that I was talking with Aidan, I also mentioned to him that I do get down on myself. I'm like comparing myself to the John in like 10 years, you know, because I'm like we want to be somewhere else than right now or more successful, realistically. But then, like you had stated, like in one way or another we have dreamed of being where we're at right now and I think having a healthy dose of gratitude for that is key to enjoying life and being grateful for what we have. Because you know me, dealing with my addiction and the sobriety thing, like I have to be grateful where I'm at right now Because the person I was 10 years ago is not even comparable to who I am right now. And, yeah, just being grateful for that's huge.

Speaker 1: 6:50

And I know that we talk a lot about staying consistent with creating the content and we get down sometimes.

Speaker 1: 6:57

You know, working a normal nine to five job, 40 hours a week, it's tiring, it's exhausting, but we have to do it to pay the bills and survive.

Speaker 1: 7:05

You know we go on social media and we compare ourselves to other people, right, whether we think we're doing it or not, and what I try to remind myself of is I view like a normal job, as like we're surviving at this point, you know. It's not like we're thousands of years in the past where it's like I got to till the fields and acquire my food and shelter. At this point, like right now, money is how you acquire these things right. So you do have to maybe work a job that you're not too thrilled about right now and cut your spending and save up for things, you know, and it gets discouraging, you know, because you'd probably rather be doing content creation and streaming every day, just like I would rather be doing the podcast or writing books, you know. But got to enjoy the process, you know For sure, and I think we're both learning that about our lives right now, which is nice, which is why we're having this conversation, you know.

Speaker 2: 8:06

Yeah, like I totally agree with you and I see like we definitely do need a balance, but at the same time, we do got to remember we have responsibilities, like you know. At the end of the day, we need food on our plates, we need a nice shelter, we need to live like, but at the same time, like that's not your whole life, you know. Like that's why I feel like content creation is such a great way to just be able to like explore things, be able to explore things by yourself that you didn't know, and just like find out new things and live for those new experiences. And honestly, but I do agree with you how you say gratitude is very important because like, yeah, like right now, like social media, all you see is like people like showing off or like I got money, I got this big house, I got, I got these big things, which is it's great, and on. Like you know, I try.

Speaker 2: 8:52

Sometimes I get in that headspace where it's like I get jealous or I get upset. I'm just like why you, or like you know, like, just like, and I feel bad because like that's not right either. Sometimes I got to step back and be like hold on, like these people are working for this too, you know, and they achieve that something we've we've all of always dreamed of and and they have it. Why should I judge them for that? It's like, hey, I bet you've done a lot of hard work and to get there.

Speaker 2: 9:18

So, at the same time, it's like I don't want to focus on social media and thinking like, oh dang, be a space where I'm just jealous or angry at myself all the time because of all these beautiful things I see. But also in social media general, there's a lot of just negativity out there and a lot of people being like fake or like it just gives off a weird vibe, an off vibe. So I feel like with like your podcasts and like your group of friends or the content you guys are making, it's like positivity. It's like, hey, like I'm doing this, I'm trying to reach my goals and I'm gonna show you guys how I'm doing that. And I think the world needs more people like that, expressing that into the world, because then it helps others see that and be like hey, let me get off of that judgmental space and let me just look and be like, hey, like I can do this too If I really put my effort and be determined, I can do that. So yeah, I mean.

Speaker 1: 10:18

It's nice. Like we talked about before. I do slip up, my friends slip up, we all slip up. And that space you're talking about on social media, like we only see, like the wins. Usually we only see the W's. We don't see all the hard work that those people have put in to get where they're at. So we think, by watching a few poster videos of people being successful, that we're gonna vicariously live through that and that's just not how it works.

Speaker 1: 10:44

I do struggle with being consistent with my positivity and I like having people like Brandon or my brother or a bunch of other guests come on the podcast and just talk about their struggles, how we're going to reach our goals and, like you said earlier, like we don't really know how we're going to right. But I think just getting your feet wet, just doing it, like I don't like posting reels, hate it. I don't like posting too much. I would much rather be going on walks and listening to lo-fi and coming back and just writing. That would make me happy. But I'm not just some nomad. This isn't thousands of years ago where I can do that. I'm trying to also chase this dream and get to a point where I don't have to work a nine to five to support myself.

Speaker 1: 11:33

So we've got to realize that we have to do things that make us uncomfortable and it sucks coming to that. And that's the same thing with, like physical wellness too. For a long time I didn't like going to the gym because I had social anxiety dealing with like the addiction, stuff like that, and you just got to do it. If you don't have the tools to like do home workouts and shit like that, you got to go to the gym. It's uncomfortable as hell. I don't like it. There's a whole bunch of like human pheromones in the air. It's like a zoo pretty much, and everybody's like eye-goggling each other. It's like don't look at me, just put your headphones on and go after it. But doing things that make you uncomfortable, doing them more often it helps you out in the long run is what I've realized.

Speaker 2: 12:17

Yeah, I do feel like a lot of people do get like, especially after COVID, like we all kind of just shelled up and we're like don't talk to me, like I'm gonna just, I'm just gonna shell up and we're gonna wait and see what happens, right.

Speaker 2: 12:30

And so I did notice too for me, like my anxiety has gotten worse.

Speaker 2: 12:33

Like before I was just like I don't have anxiety, like I'm chilling, like I'm a confident dude, and then after COVID I've kind of seen myself like hold up, like why am I anxious?

Speaker 2: 12:43

Like I'm just at like a bar or I'm at a restaurant, why am I feeling like people are looking at me weirdly, like judgmental eyes, and I feel like we all go through those things and for a certain extent, some people do say that like for guys, people go like oh, like it's just tough it up, like you're fine, like don't worry about it, You're not anxious, don't be a bitch or something like just toxic masculinity stuff, like, and it's like if we all have just open conversations with each other, I feel like that also helps promote, like and ease up on that anxiety of people, cause like we're all going through that, we're all thinking the same thing and it's like no one's really out there judging you more than you are judging yourself and it's like okay sometimes you just breathe and just enjoy life, enjoy your experiences and stop putting so much pressure and don't feel like people are being judgmental and yeah.

Speaker 2: 13:39

I just feel like open conversations help ease that anxiety and ease that feeling.

Speaker 1: 13:46

Right? Well, like you said, there is toxic masculinity and the mental health of men in general is obviously pretty low, you know, or how seriously it has taken with the older generations. I have noticed that men in the millennial generation have been taking things more seriously in terms of going to see therapists specifically. You know that vulnerability, or having these conversations with each other, which is extremely important, cause, you know, it's not just like rub some dirt in it, toughen up. We're human. We have these feelings. I'm not just some AI generated robot or some. I'm not like a warrior from a thousand years ago where it's like you eat, fight and kill.

Speaker 1: 14:29

Like that's not what we are at a point we were, you know, but now we're in this day and age where technology is evolving faster than we know what to do with it and we yeah, we just don't know where we're at right now. So trying to traverse that landscape together is huge. Like having these conversations about social media, about chasing our dreams, about being healthy, like this is this is why I started the podcast. Actually, you know, try to help people, feel free, right, and I know you. You actually told me to start doing this. I know this was going to be at the end of the episode, but I wanted to ask it right now what do you do to help?

Speaker 2: 15:05

you feel free? I knew this question was coming. I was. I was hoping I was like I hope John remembers to ask this question but honestly, after thinking about it for a little bit, I feel like meditating has helped me feel free by just being present, being able to adjust, calm my nerves, calm my anxiety and just breathe for like a couple of minutes, relaxing, whether it's at the beginning of my day or the end of my day.

Speaker 2: 15:29

That helps me feel free, because it helps me be present and enjoy the moment Instead of worrying about I got this build-do or I got to get this job finished or just things that bring anxiety. So I feel like meditation has helped, definitely made me feel free, just to be present, cause I feel like, yeah, that present moment is the most important. Like I love Kung Fu Panda A lot, of, a lot of shows, movies I watch. It talks about this theme of like present moment, being authentic, being yourself and just being able to enjoy light. So I feel like, yeah, meditation helps me do that. I've honestly also wondered what helps you feel free.

Speaker 1: 16:09

What helps me feel free? I haven't really talked about that a lot, I know. So what helps me feel free? Like I said earlier, I do dabble a little bit with dropping little hints of what I do in episodes. Everybody knows that I love playing basketball and, tragically, I have rolled my ankle again yesterday.

Speaker 2: 16:35

Once again, once again.

Speaker 1: 16:36

That's what I get for flying around literally jumping like a madman all the time. So playing basketball helps me feel free, Even if I'm not playing with other people. I like going to the gym, throwing my headphones on and just doing an hour hour and a half workout with dribbling and shooting drills and stuff. It's cathartic for me, it's just, it helps me and other things that help me feel free. I do love playing video games. Right now I haven't played in over a month, mostly because I don't have any new games to play and also I have other hobbies that I'm doing.

Speaker 1: 17:07

I've been reading a lot, which is good. After having that conversation with Aiden about the stoicism, I picked up one of my stoicism books by Seneca Letters from Astoic. So that's nice. I read like six or eight pages about that and I've been writing a lot lately and also what I said earlier.

Speaker 1: 17:24

Honestly, I love throwing my headphones on and I just go on walks. It's I go on walks a lot. I do different routes around where I live. On my Christmas list, family members buy me specific winter clothing to help me go on walks in the winter, so it just helps me. It helps free myself. Yesterday I was sitting down to write and I didn't have anything to write. I was like I don't know, I don't know what's going on. So I threw my headphones on and I went on a 40 minute walk and I came back and I just wrote. It completes me, I don't know, just writing. I don't even have to be writing for a purpose, Like it's not, like I'm trying to like finish the book sometimes. Sometimes I just fill a page with a journal and I just feel great, you know.

Speaker 2: 18:04

Yeah, just like that opportunity of like being consistent with yourself, making that routine, building your routine that fulfills you, and I love that. I love hearing different people's like what, what? Yeah, what do you do on your day-to-day? What do you like to Like time is we have so little time, you know, but we have so much time at the same time. It's weird, but like time is one of those most important things that it's like how are you using your time?

Speaker 2: 18:35

I get like life can be so much at times that like we get overwhelmed and we fill our time with, like things that are bad for us, or like we over indulge in some things, or we we try to escape where we're at we're.

Speaker 2: 18:49

You know whether it's like going on a tiktok hole, doing drugs, like I feel like a lot of that is us trying to escape ourselves because we're so hard on ourselves of we're not where we want to be or You're not doing what you told yourself you should be doing. So, yeah, I feel like you've built this routine, or you're building this routine of being able to find things that you want to look forward to live for now. Don't hold yourself up and just be able to experience the world and enjoy that, and that that's what makes you feel free, being able to like live. I feel like a lot of people forget to live and, as stupid as that sounds or that's crazy, I don't know, it's just we need to remember. Remember like hey, we just got to live a little bit, like we just got to enjoy we forget to live because we're too worried about surviving almost.

Speaker 2: 19:45

I like how you say that because, like, growing up, I feel like I've always like Survived, like back story for everybody. Like when I was 17, I moved out of my house like I was just like no, I need, I need to get out of here. Wasn't a good space for me. Just with, like my parents, like they're always arguing, fighting, and I'm me as a kid as like hey, I told my mom I was like you need to kick my stepdad out, like he's not right for you, he's he's not a good influence on us. Like I need him out of here. If you don't leave, if he doesn't leave, I'm gone.

Speaker 2: 20:15

And, mind you, this was a random Wednesday of the week. I just wake her up out of bed before I go to school at like six in the morning and I dropped his bomb on her and she's like what are you talking about? Like you're crazy, like don't bother me with this. Like you're stupid, you sound crazy. And then I was like, alright, well, I'm out, then I'm leaving by Friday or something. And I moved out that same week and, thinking back at it, I was like that was kind of a bad way to go about it. But like I mean, I know I didn't know how to go about it either, but that opportunity was like that time off was able to like away from home, was able to give me the freedom and like it was, I was able to give me the time and like the freedom to just go into myself without having to be in survival mode, like I was living out with a friend and his family and they're just like a regular family. And I was like, wow, like this is so weird. Like y'all have dinner, I'll talk to each other. Like me was more like I go to school, I go home, I go on my phone. Like Not saying I had a horrible childhood, like it was a great. Like you know, my family did play board games. We had a good time, we enjoyed ourselves, but at the time it was just like a lot of toxic stuff going on, just bad influences in the world. So when I moved out, I was able to like just learn a lot and now my family has gotten way closer than ever and I feel it's because we've all kind of experienced different things and then been able to come back and just, hey, I know these things were wrong, but look, we're here now and we're living now and all we have is this time. Now, like recently my grandfather passed away, and Like that was tragic, but it it did bring us all closer in a sense. And even though our family is not perfect, it's like now I feel we're at the stage of hey, we can have these open conversations, like I'm.

Speaker 2: 22:06

I know there is a lot of like hate towards each other, a lot of anger, but it's like hey, we've been able to realize, like we're not perfect, we all do things that we shouldn't do, but at the end of the day, it's like I Want to be able to enjoy my time with you and I know it's not gonna be forever. So let's, let's let our bygones be bygones and just be able to enjoy the moment and live with each other and Try to like help each other. Like we don't have to be stuck in this, this life of hatred and anger. Like let's, let's take a second, let's take a moment and don't judge each other. Like like it's where our family, we should be able to enjoy each other.

Speaker 1: 22:44

So had a little backstory on my life well, having that perspective is huge and Realizing, you know, cuz I always rag on wheat, I rag on my family a lot, you know, especially with my upbringing and things that I've talked about. But having that perspective, you know change like you got to realize what you have, you know, still have each other here to love and spend time together. You know there's some stuff that Can't change past, but you can sure as hell make the present moment a little better with a little more Love and compassion and forgiveness is what I've learned, although I think we all struggle a little bit with channeling that. But it's a very mature thing to do, to to look at life the way you did and Be where you're at right now. Also what we were talking about before.

Speaker 1: 23:33

When we get down on ourselves with the routines and stuff, sometimes we just we don't hold ourselves accountable right and For the change you made when you were 17, you said you were gonna do something and you did it. Like I'm moving out Did it. It's a pretty big deal, especially because you're counting on yourself at that point. Granted, you had somewhere to go, but at the same time you trusted yourself enough. You're like I got to do this for me, you know and you can look at it as good or bad, right, I got kicked out of my house when I was 19. They're like you just can't live here, and rightfully so. I was fucking out of my mind, you know. But I do tell them. I do tell my mom to this day that I'm very grateful that she did that for me, because I wouldn't, or we don't, realize what we have, you know, until it's too late, right? So Doing the work on ourselves right now, realizing what we have, being grateful for it, is how we can live in the moment and enjoy it.

Speaker 2: 24:31

It's, it's crazy coming to those realizations, honestly, life just comes out of full circle, sometimes like damn, like Things really do happen for a reason like I don't I'm not a religious dude, I was but like it's crazy. Sometimes, just when you go through your life and you see how things happen and looking back at it, it's like wow, like I'm here After all of this, like I'm still here from what? Regardless of what happened and God does give his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers, whatever the saying is. Like we have to experience these things to learn and grow. If we didn't get out of our comfort zone and like get kicked out or move out, like if we didn't do that, I don't really know where my family would be at that point, like where how our life would be.

Speaker 2: 25:17

So like yeah, it sucks that those things happen, but like they have to happen sometimes and it's not always going to be easy, it's not always going to be fun. Like you're going to struggle, but those struggles help you and help people. Like just be able to have these conversations and be like hey, like it's all right, like this is how we can do better and feel present, feel free, free, feel happy. Like it sucks that it happened to us, but like we can't control it. They did though.

Speaker 1: 25:46

You know it does suck that those things happen, but if life was perfect, I don't think it would be worth living Right, that's just how I look at it. If there wasn't struggle, you wouldn't realize how, how good it can be. You know, you got to go through those struggles and I've met a lot of people in my life who don't look at the signs that the universe sends you or they don't look at their past, they don't learn from it, and for a time I didn't. You know I I covered up all of the mistakes I made. You know you bury them deep down, you don't face them because you're ashamed of who you are and that doesn't help you grow.

Speaker 1: 26:22

And you, you have to make those moves and you have to see the signs that the universe is sending you in order to grow. And you got to be grateful for them because you could keep like shying away and turning your head away from the things you're supposed to learn in order to heal and be better. But you're just going to chase your tail or you're going to live under a rock and be a hermit, which I've done before as well. So, coming out of your shell, coming out of your comfort zone, realizing what you have these are. These are huge moves.

Speaker 2: 26:47

I see it in a lot of people and like just me going through that Like I'm. I'm a very forgiving person because at the end of the day, like I think about it, like what if that was me? Like I'm one of the youngest out of all my siblings I got to I didn't get to experience the same things they. They they've struggled with or they experienced. Like I bet they had it a lot harder and way worse than I did, you know. And so me thinking like oh, so much bad crap happened to me. It probably wasn't even like as crazy as what happened to them or I can only imagine. But that's why I'm such a like forgiving person. Because I know like the struggles and the hardships a lot of people face and I don't try to judge them for it.

Speaker 2: 27:29

And I, you know, sometimes we're all human, we all judge people, we all make assumptions Like that's totally normal.

Speaker 2: 27:35

But being able to just step back and and listen to someone and give them advice and just be like, hey, it's going to be all right, a lot of people do do struggle with getting out of that and it sometimes it does suck just seeing people stuck in that loop and I feel like if we're just all have show a little bit of compassion and we're all just kind of guide them like they're not going to listen to it the first time, but if you're just consistently there, that that does make a difference. And I feel like a lot of people need to be like forgiving and need to share that compassion with each other, because if not, we're all going to be a hermit, so we're all going to lock ourselves away and we're all going to be like hey, get away from me. No one, no one listens to me, no one cares about me. But whatever, like, no, like we're all here for each other and and that's what we should be doing, that's what we should be promoting into the world, like compassion, positivity.

Speaker 1: 28:28

So we can't do it alone, right, we think we can. That's the problem, you know. That's that's when we get depressed. You know, and I've thought that multiple times too, until you know, I've sought professional help through therapy. You know, I started going to NA.

Speaker 1: 28:44

The healing process is tough. I wasn't even ready to do it until eight years into active addiction. And it's tough because you, you have to admit that you're wrong. You know, no one likes doing that, no one likes being wrong, because we we put too much pressure on ourselves to be perfect, which is stupid. I don't know where this notion of perfection comes from, but it's unreachable, especially the expectations of where we think we need to be. So you do need to handle these situations with a little more forgiveness, which is what I tend to be writing about a lot more lately, because I'm not perfect.

Speaker 1: 29:20

I got down to myself because I took months off from the podcast. I don't post a lot of content and I always tell myself you're going to take your dreams seriously than do it. And when you start letting yourself down, you get down on yourself, right, and then, if you start letting yourself down outside of your dreams and like your relationships, your relationship with yourself. I'm like, well, I'm smoking cigars, I'm eating ice cream and playing video games. I'm not doing shit, I don't respect myself.

Speaker 1: 29:45

And then you dig a deeper hole each time and you forget to forgive yourself, you forget to lend a helping hand out to yourself. I always have this dichotomy inside of me of like there's two different Johns, which I'm starting to think that they're one now, but when I am down, I would like the healed version of myself to hold a handout to me and be like yo, dude, it's okay, what are you tripping for? Right, you don't have to get down about this shit. You can learn that. You can overcome things. We forget that and we use social media, we use drugs, we use fast food, pharmaceuticals, we use these things to numb us and we hold up, and that's not healthy.

Speaker 2: 30:26

Yeah, like I, when I, when I turned 21, I started working at like a dispensary and there was like all these positive things about it, like oh, it's great, medical benefits, it's all these benefits, and that's that's the whole lot of people get in like myself included. And when I came to the realization of I'm just filling this void of inside of me with with stuff, with like pleasure, pleasurable stuff, is because I was trying, I was moving away from what that garbage was. Feeling like I would say that myself and my goals and my ambitions, like stuff that I've been wanting to tell myself or been telling myself to do, like hey, you can do this, and I've been filling it up with drugs or, you know, social media. So, being able to, I want to say like so when I, when I started working at the dispensary, I saw all these happy people and I was like I want to, I want to be happy like them. Like I want to, I want to do these things.

Speaker 2: 31:26

Like there's so many creative people out there and and there's just a trap of a lot of people just saying, saying, yeah, I'm gonna do these things and then, after being there for so long, it's like hold up. A year has passed, two years have passed. I'm in the same spot I was at when I first started here. Everybody's at the same spot. Like I thought you wanted to do this. I thought, like you guys had all these ideas and yet we're not moving forward. So that's when I like stepped back and I was like, all right, yeah, it does get my creative juices flowing, whatever. Yeah, I do get great ideas, but am I putting in the work to those? Am I putting in that effort? No, so being able to like just step back and say, okay, let's put in the work, let's put in the effort and let's do something, like let's not just say it, let's not just think it, like we have all these ideas, let's, let's do it.

Speaker 1: 32:21

And I don't know where I was going with that, but yeah, it's tough to train yourself to do that, you know, especially with weed, because, like you said, gets the creative juices flowing. I connected my using with my creativity and over the years it actually diminished it because I was relying on it and I got upset that I wasn't doing what I said.

Speaker 1: 32:45

you know, I said for almost eight years I was going to be a rapper you know, and I worked on my writing and my free styling, but I didn't put it into action. I didn't go out and meet other people who were doing the same thing, because I was just holed up like a hermit and not until I got sober was I actually able to put in that work. I'm like all right, ideas are great, action is better you know Execution.

Speaker 1: 33:12

Yeah, execution, yeah, doing it. And it's tough because we fantasize with these ideas, are like, ah, this is great. You know, like our thoughts are addictive, because you can feel from your thoughts, right, and then you have a good idea. And then you tangent into some fantasy world where that idea worked out perfectly, and you're like, ah, that's the me now from that idea. And you're daydreaming, you know, and you're not putting it into action. You're like, oh, that's enough action for today. You know the imaginary me put in all of this work over the next five to 10 minutes, I'm done for the day.

Speaker 2: 33:46

I'm just going to watch TV now, right, that distraction of just moving away from that. I did live this, like, why am I even tripping now, like it was there and now it's gone? But yeah, just, I want that every day. Like you know, I want to be able to live that. And so, yeah, I think I've definitely, like, once you started the podcast and like we met and stuff, like I was, I came kind of to that I was already at that realization of like I'm going to stop smoking so much. But that, like you've kind of helped me realize, like, because, like a lot of people around me, a lot of circles that I have, would be like, hey, let's, I have this idea, we should do it. And I'm like, yeah, dope, and then don't hear it from ever again, don't hear anything about it.

Speaker 2: 34:27

And it's like when we met you and you're like, oh, I do a podcast, I was like, oh, that's dope, you know talking to you about it. And then you asking me for advice, me, you know asking for advice, and then us putting that into action. It's like that's the, that's the people you need around you, that's the, that's the type of people, that's what people need to hear. It's like, hey, like, just just start like just just go like, do it like, and being able to have those open conversations and that, that compassion, and get those creative juices flowing with each other. Like hey, like I got this idea, don't know how I'm going to do it. Here's an idea. We bounce off each other and we're like all right, now let's try it out. Like we tried so many things and here we are now like so yeah, like, yeah. We take a moment, like we're like wow, like we did this.

Speaker 1: 35:10

I know it's trial and error, though you know it was shaky at first. But then you start doing it and like what Aiden was saying on the podcast before, like he quit weed he smoked a lot of weed, obviously, and you know the drinking and stuff and he was saying like, yeah, I think sobriety is like a prerequisite for any type of success, which I totally understand if you've had like an issue using you know I know people who can manage it, you know, and that's great. And then I know people who can't manage it. And I think having that conversation with yourself about like hey, there are some things I know I can't do, and getting rid of something like that is such a huge milestone when you're able to give up a habit that has controlled you, that internal victory to yourself is. I can't even describe how I've, how far I've come in terms of that. So to hear that you're also feeling the same way about weed, you know I don't.

Speaker 1: 36:18

I don't talk shit about weed. I don't really talk shit about drugs on the Feel Free podcast because I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for them. They had a lot of negative impacts on my life, but I wouldn't have the perspective on the world. I wouldn't have the perspective on other people if I didn't do those things. And there are people out there who can enjoy them and that's great. And I know a lot of people who have given them up these habits and have done amazing things with their life. So I'm I'm a little biased if, if people come to me with like a dreamer and aspiration, right, I want to do this. You know, the execution is crucial and getting rid of pleasure seeking habits in order to maximize your effort, that's that's key.

Speaker 2: 37:12

Yeah, like. I mean, they're like you're saying there is a lot of people who, who can, who can indulge and can do these things. But a lot of people like they see that and they're like I'm one of those people, I can do the same thing, like, yeah, I can fulfill my dreams and do drugs. That's totally cool. But over time they don't see that they don't have that execution there. They just don't, they don't put it into action, they just sit down waiting for that moment to happen.

Speaker 2: 37:38

And it's like I see myself in a lot of those people's and I don't I'm not saying I'm going to go sober, like I don't, I don't picture myself being able to be sober. And because I do still get some of those benefits from like smoking, I like, especially when I'm doing like my workout and stuff, I do feel like it gives me some sort of like relief and like being able to like chill out and be present. But I mean, it was a struggle for me, for sure, where I was just like doing it every day, doing it first thing in the morning till I go to bed, because I was like, yeah, it helps me be present, it helps me enjoy life, it helps me be happy. And then I came to the realization it's like I just want to be happy, I don't want to have to take something to be that meet that version of me that I want. So it's.

Speaker 2: 38:30

I mean, it's a, it's a battle, because you have to face some demons. You have to go through your own head and being like, why aren't you happy right now? Why, why do you feel angry, why do you feel sad? Like an, answer those questions and get an honest answer from yourself, because no one's going to tell you no, no one's going to give you the answer. So, being able to take that time of discomfort, like, and just being able to, like, put it into action, and being able to be true to yourself and give yourself that, that dream of, hey, let's put these, these words, into action, these ideas into actions, let's stop living in fantasy world and let's, let's realize where we're at right now and let's get to where we want to be.

Speaker 1: 39:13

It gets easier to ask those questions when you're sober or when you're not doing it all day, every day, which is one of the reasons possibly why we smoked all day, every day, or did drugs all day, every day because those questions were arising. I'm like I don't want to answer that, I don't want to face that, I'm here right now.

Speaker 2: 39:35

What do you mean?

Speaker 1: 39:36

Right, you know, and it's just a fallacy, but working on yourself, the self-development journey is. It's discomforting but it is extremely rewarding. Especially You've listened to the episodes with Brandon and Aiden, and Muncie as well, and it's just amazing what being able to answer those questions gets you. You can go your whole life without asking yourself those questions and I'm not sure we give enough credit to people for asking those questions and I hope that by people listening or watching the podcast, that they can put their phones down or their screens down and really just sit there without any substance at all. Just sit there and ask themselves like what do I have to do in order to love myself? Or what do I have to do in order to feel free? Why don't I feel free?

Speaker 2: 40:32

A lot of people don't have those questions imprinted in them, they're just in fantasy mode. So I feel like this podcast it does do that and it just needs to reach that person and it will eventually, because of the digital footprint, someone's going to come into this any of your episodes and be like hold on, I resonate with this and just fine and be like, all right, they're telling me I can do these things. They're telling me, hey, we've got to start. I get these questions in my head that I've never answered and you can do those things. You can put in the effort. Just take a moment and really just let those questions marinate in your mind and then put action to them Right and also ask for help.

Speaker 1: 41:20

Like I said, can't do it all alone. When those questions come around, don't get scared of the questions and don't get scared of how you might answer them. Like I said, being wrong sucks, but it's the only way you're going to learn is when you're wrong Can't always be right.

Speaker 2: 41:37

Stupid. It's also about your community, too. I feel like a lot of people in your friend circles they're just going to be like you're fine, it's OK, we're all going through the same thing, we're all here. But it's like take a moment and look Like well, where are we all at? We all have these dreams and we need to hold each other accountable and we need to be able to tell each other and be honest with each other. It's like hey, I know you're trying your hardest and I know you're doing a lot, but you can do more. And if you when times when you can't do more, that's OK. But don't give up, don't stop. Like, don't give up on yourself. Like, keep going and we're here for each other. Like I'll give you my advice, I'll let you know my struggles, but be honest with me.

Speaker 2: 42:25

Don't just don't feed into my fantasy of like oh yeah, I'm fine, I'm doing good. Like, because you know my dreams, you know where I want to be at. You need to tell me hey, you've been slacking a little bit and that's OK. Like, I'm not going to like, if you're, if you tell your friend and you're honest with them and you're like you've been slacking and they're like ah, after this dude, like I'm not, I'm not going to even talk to this person, no more. Or they really like your friend, like that, and like no, like they don't want to see you do what we've all had in our mind to do.

Speaker 2: 42:56

And a lot of you lose a lot of people when you take in those actions because they get this version of like they feed off this version of they thought who you were and they're like hold on, why is he, why is this person doing these things? That's not you Like you don't do that and that you internalize that. And you're like, like maybe I can't, maybe I shouldn't, I'm, let me just stay low, let me do what I, what I've always done, and I'll be fine, because then I won't be uncomfortable, then I'll just live in fantasy world, or yeah, that's fucked, it's fucked.

Speaker 1: 43:29

Yeah, I uh calling people out on their bullshit, including myself. You know you have to have those people. There's always going to be people in your life that are going to say things are okay and that's okay too. You got to have some chill motherfuckers, but you also got to have some people that are going to push you and call you out if you're slacking which I'm very grateful for having those people in my life Just because someone calls you out on your bullshit right there.

Speaker 1: 43:57

It's not like you're, like you're right, I'm learning, move forward. Sometimes you got to let it marinate a little bit, and I do hope that with the podcast. I don't want people to come here and think automatically that you're going to get in shape like some Marvel superhero, some Greek demigod, or you're going to make millions of dollars, or you're going to. We're not. I'm not here to promote some type of fantasy world. I'm literally here to promote a healthy life, whether that's mentally, physically or emotionally, financially, just to the point where we stop using substances or negative thought processes in order to hold us down. We're trying to feel free. You got to understand what you're trying to free yourself from and then come up with a plan, surround yourself with positive people or even seek professional help, like it's 2024. We have the resources to live better. We just have to use them properly, which we don't know how to do at the start, which it gets discouraging, and then we go scorched earth and we're like ah, we'll fuck it.

Speaker 1: 45:04

I don't know what to do. And you stay low and you keep doing the same shit you've been doing right, but you got to start stacking small daily wins. And Brandon and Aiden say this all the time just make your fucking bed. I'm not a prop and I'm not. I don't make my fucking bed. All right, they make their bed. And I also changed my morning routine in the last two weeks and having a few things just to be held accountable for on a daily basis, like just a W, a victory, those build up over time. Then you start trusting yourself again. You start feeling proud of yourself, not like pretentious or prideful ego, like I'm better than people, but you take pride in the fact that you're alive, which for a long time and a lot of people struggle with because we beat ourselves up. Yeah, try and find one or two things to win each day and be grateful for it.

Speaker 2: 46:00

Yeah, when you get those wins, like you are present and you're not in a negative space, you're in a positive space and when the more people that are in a positive space, they can give that to others, they have more patience, they have more time to just be like all right, being able to notice someone's having a bad day, I'm not gonna take that and go off on them or I'm not gonna take that personally. I understand you're having a bad day and I've been there, trust me. But yeah, I want to fill my routine. I wanna fill my life with positive reinforcement for myself and be accountable on myself so that others can do the same. And, like you said, it's not coming from like an egotistical thing, yeah, but I wanna be confident. I wanna be happy, like if some people think like, oh, this guy's cocky, like I'm sorry, like I'm not trying to be cocky, but at the same time I wanna be cocky Because I remember when I was younger, like I was so cocky, like I was, like I'm the most confident person, and that's when I truly felt happy because I was accountable to myself.

Speaker 2: 47:14

I was telling myself I'm gonna do these things and I was doing them. And the older we get we stop doing those things or we fall back or what life happens, and then you're not. And then you get in like, oh, I'm not like how I used to be. Well, you get scorched earth, like I'm gonna start just filling my day with a whole bunch of drugs, a whole bunch of video games, a whole bunch of stuff to just not live in the present moment. And so, yeah, I feel like this podcast, I feel like people just being able to live a healthy life and just helps everybody live that life and helps everybody feed off that energy. And, like you said, it's not coming from like a self-centered area. It's like, hey, I understand, I've been there, but like let's all get to this position of being present, being compassionate, being happy with each other and not so judgmental, like Right.

Speaker 1: 48:14

I mean we fall into that trap of judging ourselves and saying to each other it's a slippery slope though, you know, but we're retraining ourselves in order to be healthy again. And I think the millennial generation, the Gen Z generation, I think we realize how important health is. Again. Health wasn't always I mean emotional health, mental health, physical health, Like these things weren't huge topics of discussions for humanity, because it was all about survival.